Emotional regulation 101: How to calm down without shutting down

What is emotional regulation (and what it’s not)

Emotional regulation is the ability to notice what you’re feeling, stay present with it, and choose how to respond instead of just reacting on autopilot.

It’s not about being calm all the time. It’s not about never getting upset or stressed or angry.

It’s about the gap between feeling something and doing something about it. In that gap, you get to decide.

What it’s not:

• Suppressing feelings or pretending they don’t exist
• Someone telling you to “just calm down”
• Never experiencing difficult emotions
• Being perfectly zen in every situation

Why it matters:

• Better relationships (less reactive conflict)
• Clearer decisions (not made from panic or numbness)
• Less burnout (because you’re responding to stress instead of storing it)

Emotional regulation doesn’t make hard things easy. It just makes them more manageable.

Shutting down vs calming down

They can look similar from the outside – both involve getting quiet – but they feel completely different on the inside.

Signs you’re shutting down

• Everything feels numb, blank, or dissociated (like you’re not fully here)
• Thoughts like “I don’t care” or “whatever” when you actually do care
• Avoiding texts, procrastinating on everything, zoning out mid-conversation
• Over-scrolling, over-sleeping, or over-eating to escape
• Can’t find words, don’t want to be seen, want to disappear

Shutting down is your nervous system’s last resort. It’s protection, not peace.

Signs you’re calming down in a healthy way

• Breathing slows down naturally
• Thoughts start to clear instead of spiraling
• You can name what you’re feeling (even if it’s still uncomfortable)
• You can imagine one small next step

Calming down doesn’t mean the feeling is gone. It means you’re coming back online.

Why you get overwhelmed so fast (it’s not a character flaw)

Your nervous system is doing its job

When something feels like too much, your nervous system responds: fight (argue, defend), flight (avoid, escape), freeze (go blank, shut down), or fawn (people-please, fix everyone else’s feelings).

This isn’t weakness. It’s biology. Overwhelm is your system’s way of saying “too much, too fast.” It’s a signal, not a failure.

Common triggers that spike overwhelm

• Lack of sleep or food: Your body doesn’t have the resources to regulate
• Too many decisions: Decision fatigue is real and it drains you
• Conflict or rejection: Emotional pain can light up similar brain pathways as physical pain
• Sensory overload: Noise, crowds, notifications, too many tabs open
• Unclear boundaries: Not knowing where you end and other people’s needs begin

Knowing your triggers doesn’t stop them from happening. It just helps you recognize what’s going on faster.

Emotional regulation skills (the 5 core skills to build)

These are the foundational emotional regulation skills that make everything else easier. You don’t have to master all five at once. Pick one and start there.

These emotional regulation skills stack. The more you practice, the faster you recover.

1. Awareness: Notice the first signs
Pay attention to body cues (tight chest, clenched jaw, racing heart) and thoughts (“I can’t do this,” “Everyone’s mad at me”). The earlier you catch it, the easier it is to respond.

2. Naming: Label the emotion
Many people find that naming what you feel reduces the intensity. “I’m anxious” works better than “I feel weird.” “I’m embarrassed and overwhelmed” is even more specific.

3. Soothing: Calm the body first
You can’t think clearly when your nervous system is screaming. Breathwork, movement, temperature shifts – these calm your body so your brain can come back online.

4. Reframing: Shift the story (after you calm down)
Once you’re regulated, you can ask: “What else might be true?” or “What would help?” But skip this step if you’re still in fight-or-flight. It won’t work yet.

5. Choosing: Pick one helpful action
Not the perfect action. Just one small thing that moves you toward okay. Drink water. Send one text. Take a 5-minute walk. Close one tab.

How to calm down when overwhelmed (a 3-step reset)

This is the main method. Use it when you feel the spiral starting.

Step 1: Stop the spiral (30 seconds)

First, pause. Just stop whatever you’re doing.

Lower stimulation: put your phone face down, step away from the screen, turn off music, dim the lights if you can.

Say this out loud or in your head: “This is overwhelm. I’m not in danger.”

Your body doesn’t know the difference between actual danger and emotional overload. Remind it.

Step 2: Regulate your body (2-5 minutes)

Pick one technique from the list below. You don’t need all of them. Just one that feels doable right now.

Your body needs to calm down before your brain can problem-solve. Breath, grounding, or movement. Whatever gets you out of fight-or-flight fastest.

Step 3: Choose the smallest next step (2 minutes)

Ask yourself: “What’s one action that makes the next 10 minutes easier?”

Not the whole day. Not the whole problem. Just the next 10 minutes.

Examples:

• Drink a full glass of water
• Close your eyes for 30 seconds
• Send one text: “I need to reschedule”
• Write three messy sentences in your notes app
• Step outside for 2 minutes

That’s it. One small action that honors what you just learned about yourself.

Emotional regulation techniques that work fast (pick one)

If you’re overwhelmed, don’t try all six. Pick one and repeat it for 60 seconds. Think of this as a menu. Different techniques work for different moments.

1) The 3-3-3 grounding check

Name 3 things you see, 3 things you hear, and 3 things you feel physically (your feet on the floor, the chair against your back, the air on your skin).

This works well for panic and spiraling thoughts because it pulls you back into the present moment.

2) Box breathing (4-4-4-4)

Inhale for 4 counts, hold for 4, exhale for 4, hold for 4. Repeat 4 times.

Simple, structured, and it signals to your nervous system that you’re safe.

3) Longer exhale breathing (simple and effective)

Inhale for 4 counts, exhale for 6-8 counts. Repeat 6 times.

The longer exhale activates your parasympathetic nervous system (the “calm down” system). This one works when you need to come down from high stress fast.

4) Temperature shift (cold water or cool object)

Splash cold water on your face, hold a cold drink, or put a cool cloth on the back of your neck.

Great when you feel “too hot” emotionally. The physical temperature change interrupts the emotional intensity.

5) Move the stress out (60 seconds)

Shake out your arms, do wall pushes, take a brisk walk around the block, stretch your hips and shoulders.

Your body stores stress. Movement helps release it instead of holding it in your muscles all day.

6) Name it to tame it (label the feeling)

Say it out loud or write it down: “I’m feeling embarrassed and overloaded.”

Then add: “It makes sense because I had three hard conversations today and I haven’t eaten since breakfast.”

Naming reduces intensity. Adding context reminds you it’s a response, not a permanent state.