What’s blocking your confidence?

If you picked fear of judgment: The spotlight that isn’t actually there

You’re holding back because you’re convinced everyone is watching, waiting for you to mess up. You can practically feel their eyes on you, their judgments forming.

But the reality is that most people aren’t thinking about you at all. They’re worried about their own thing. That presentation you stumbled through? The person in the third row was thinking about their grocery list. That awkward thing you said at dinner? Everyone forgot about it before dessert arrived.

The spotlight you feel? It’s not real. You’re the one holding it on yourself.

And I get it – knowing this doesn’t immediately make the fear go away. But it does mean you can start testing it. Say the thing you’re afraid to say and watch what actually happens. (Spoiler: it’s usually nothing close to the catastrophe you imagined.)

I see this pattern all the time – you’re spending so much energy managing what other people might think that you’ve stopped asking what YOU think. You’re playing defense against judgments that mostly exist in your head.

And meanwhile, the thing you actually wanted to say? The idea you had? The question you wanted to ask? It just sits there, unexpressed, while you tie yourself in knots imagining worst-case scenarios.

Here’s what’s wild – the people who seem the most confident? They’re not fearless. They just decided that their message matters more than their fear. They feel the judgment coming (real or imagined) and they say the thing anyway.

What to do about it (starting today)

The 10-second courage practice

Next time you feel that fear rising, give yourself 10 seconds to act before your brain talks you out of it. Send the message. Raise your hand. Say the thing. Don’t think – just move. The thinking is what’s killing you.

Your brain is designed to protect you, which means it’s going to show you every possible way this could go wrong. But you don’t need to watch that whole horror movie. Count down – 10, 9, 8 – and move. You’ll be amazed how often the fear evaporates the second you take action.

The reality check: After you do the thing you were afraid to do, track what actually happens. Write it down. You’ll start to see the pattern: the disaster you imagined almost never shows up. Your brain needs evidence that you can survive this, so collect it.

Keep a list. 

“I thought everyone would think I was stupid, but actually two people said they’d been wondering the same thing.” 
“I thought she’d be mad, but she just said okay and moved on.” 

Build yourself a database of proof that your fears are liars.

The “so what?” question

When the fear comes up, ask yourself: “So what if they DO judge me?” Follow that thread all the way down. Usually, the answer is… nothing that actually matters. You’ll still be okay. This question deflates the fear faster than anything else.

Let’s try it: 

“What if they think I’m stupid?” 
So what? 
“Well, then they won’t like me.” 
So what? 
“Then I’ll be alone.” 
Will you, though? Really? Or will the people who matter still be there, and maybe you’ll have weeded out the ones who weren’t your people anyway?

The fear always sounds so logical until you actually walk it all the way to the end.

If you picked lack of practice: You’re trying to run before you can walk

Of course you don’t feel confident doing the thing you’ve never done before. That’s not a you problem – that’s just how learning works.

You wouldn’t expect to sit down at a piano for the first time and play Chopin. But somehow you expect yourself to nail the presentation, handle the conflict perfectly, set the boundary smoothly – all on the first try.

Confidence without practice is just delusion. Real confidence comes from doing something enough times that your body remembers how to do it even when your brain is freaking out.

This is actually good news. It means you’re not broken. You just haven’t logged the reps yet.

The question isn’t “Why am I not confident?” It’s “What small version of this thing can I practice today?”

Because the first time you do anything, it’s going to be awkward. The second time, still weird. The tenth time? You’re starting to get somewhere. The fiftieth time? Now we’re talking actual confidence.

Think about the things you DO feel confident about right now. I bet you’ve done them hundreds of times. Driving. Making coffee. That thing you do at work that’s basically muscle memory now. You didn’t start out confident at those things. You just did them over and over until they became easy.

So why would this be any different?

What to do about it (starting today)

The shrink-it-down method

Take whatever you’re avoiding and make it so small it feels almost silly. Want to be confident on video? Start by recording a 10-second voice note to yourself. Want to set boundaries? Practice saying no to something tiny, like “No thanks, I don’t want a receipt.” Build the muscle with low stakes first.

The goal is to make it so small that you can’t talk yourself out of it. So small that the fear doesn’t even have time to show up. You’re not trying to be great – you’re just trying to start. Once you’ve done the tiny version five times, make it slightly bigger. This is how you sneak up on confidence.

The reps rule

Commit to doing the thing badly, on repeat. Five practice runs of the presentation to your dog. Three awkward attempts at small talk. Two terrible first drafts. You’re not going for good – you’re going for repetition. The confidence shows up in the doing, not the preparing.

I’m serious about the “badly” part. If you’re trying to do it well, you’re going to psych yourself out. But if you’re just racking up reps? That’s doable. That’s actually kind of freeing. “I’m going to have seven terrible conversations this week” is way less scary than “I need to have one perfect conversation.”

The borrowing confidence trick

Find someone who’s where you want to be and study their moves. Not to copy them exactly, but to see what good enough actually looks like. Most of what they do probably isn’t perfect either but they’re doing it anyway. Let that give you permission.

Watch how they stumble and keep going. Notice how they say “um” and nobody cares. See how they recover from mistakes without making it a whole thing. You’re not looking for perfection – you’re looking for proof that imperfect action still works.

If you picked perfectionism: The standard that guarantees you’ll never start

If you’re waiting until you can do something perfectly, you’re never going to do it at all. Perfectionism isn’t about having high standards. It’s about protecting yourself from being seen as anything less than flawless. It’s the voice that says, “Better not try if you can’t guarantee the outcome.”

But confidence doesn’t come from getting it right every time. It comes from knowing you can survive getting it wrong.

Every person you admire who seems confident? They’ve failed more times than you’ve tried. The difference is they kept going anyway.

Your perfectionism isn’t protecting you. It’s keeping you small. And you know this already – that’s why it frustrates you so much.

I see you over there, polishing and perfecting and never quite finishing. Telling yourself you’ll share it when it’s ready, when it’s better, when it’s worthy. But that day never comes, does it? Because perfectionism doesn’t have an end point. There’s always one more thing to fix, one more way it could be better.

Meanwhile, other people are putting out work that’s half as polished as yours and getting results. Not because their work is better – because it exists. Because done beats perfect every single time.

What if “good enough” was actually good enough? What if done was better than perfect? (It is, by the way.)

What to do about it (starting today)

The messy draft rule

Give yourself permission to create the worst possible version first. Set a timer for 15 minutes and bang out the thing – typos, awkward phrasing, half-formed thoughts and all. The goal is done, not good. You can fix it later. You can’t fix what doesn’t exist.

Here’s the magic of this: once it exists – even in its terrible, messy form – you’ve broken the perfectionism spell. You’ve proven you can create something imperfect and survive. And usually? It’s not even as bad as you thought it would be. Usually, there’s something in that messy draft that’s actually pretty good.

The B-minus practice

Intentionally aim for B-minus work on something this week. Not your best, not your worst – just good enough. Notice that the world doesn’t end. Notice that it still helps someone. Notice that done and imperfect beats perfect and invisible every single time.

Pick something small to B-minus. The email you’ve been agonizing over? Send it at 80%. The project you keep tweaking? Ship it when it’s good enough, not when it’s perfect. You’re training yourself out of the perfectionism reflex, one good-enough thing at a time.

The “what would I tell a friend?” flip

When perfectionism is screaming at you, ask yourself what you’d tell a friend in the same situation. You’d probably say, “Just go for it! It doesn’t have to be perfect!” So why are you holding yourself to a different standard? Take your own advice.

Seriously, pause right now and imagine your best friend is stuck where you’re stuck. What would you tell them? You’d be kind. You’d be encouraging. You’d tell them their imperfect version is still valuable. You’d tell them to stop overthinking and just put it out there.

Now give yourself that same grace.

If you picked people-pleasing: The exhausting performance you can’t keep up

You’re so busy managing everyone else’s feelings that you’ve completely lost touch with your own.

You say yes when you mean no. You soften your opinions until they’re unrecognizable. You read the room constantly, adjusting yourself to fit whatever you think other people need you to be.

And then you wonder why you don’t feel confident. Of course you don’t. You’re not even being yourself.

Confidence requires that you actually take up space as you – not as the version of you that you think will be most acceptable. And I know that feels risky. What if people don’t like the real you? What if you disappoint them? What if they leave?

The truth is they might. Some people are only in your life because you’ve made yourself easy to be around. But those aren’t your people anyway.

Your people will stick around because you’re honest, not in spite of it.

Think about it: how exhausting is it to constantly monitor everyone else’s reactions and adjust yourself accordingly? You’re not living your life – you’re performing a version of yourself that you think will keep everyone happy. And it’s impossible to feel confident when you’re constantly shape-shifting to please other people.

Plus, here’s the thing nobody talks about: people can tell when you’re people-pleasing. It doesn’t actually make them like you more. It makes the relationship feel false, because it is. They’re not getting the real you – they’re getting the carefully curated version you think they want.

What to do about it (starting today)

The pause practice

When someone asks you for something, pause. Even just for three seconds. Say, “let me think about that” or “let me check my calendar.” This tiny space interrupts the automatic yes and gives you a chance to figure out what you actually want.

You don’t owe anyone an immediate answer. I know it feels rude to pause, but it’s not. It’s honest. And that three-second gap? It’s where you find your actual preference instead of just defaulting to whatever you think they want to hear.

Practice this phrase: “Let me get back to you.” Use it liberally. It buys you time to check in with yourself instead of automatically accommodating.

The small honest thing

You don’t have to overhaul your whole life today. Just pick one small thing to be honest about. “Actually, I’m not in the mood for Thai food – can we do Italian?” or “I need to leave by 7.” Start noticing that honesty doesn’t destroy relationships. It usually strengthens them.

Start with something low-stakes. Express a preference about something that doesn’t really matter. Notice that when you say what you actually want, the world keeps spinning. Most people will just say “okay” and move on. And the ones who push back? That’s information too.

The energy check

Before saying yes to anything, do a quick gut check. Does this feel light or heavy? Expansive or contracting? Your body knows before your brain does. If it feels heavy, that’s information. You don’t have to explain or justify – “no, I can’t” is a complete sentence.

Your body is a truth-teller. When something doesn’t feel right, you’ll feel it as tension, heaviness, that sinking feeling in your stomach. When something is actually a yes, you’ll feel lighter, more open. Start paying attention to those signals instead of overriding them with what you “should” do.